Kindness Starts with Me
On a recent flight, it hit me. I’d heard it spoken many times, but this time, I actually listened. In an emergency, securely place your oxygen mask over your mouth and nose, and ensure your mask is fitted before helping anyone else.
If I do not take the time to get oxygen into my body by putting that mask over my face first, I could succumb before I finish getting the mask on someone else.
It starts with me.
It seems counterintuitive. As a mother, the needs and comfort of my family have always come before mine. I recall one time years ago when an acquaintance was speaking with me about this very issue. She was a proponent of putting herself first and told me that it was healthy for her to do so. Then, she said, she had more in the tank to give to others.
The concept was foreign to me at the time. If I’m honest, I thought it was selfish.
Yet the more I read and the longer I live, I realize there is truth in that. And there is certainly one area in my life where I need to focus on myself first - and that is in the way I talk to myself.
Sometimes, the voice in my head is not my friend. That voice lacks kindness, grace, and forgiveness. If I had a friend who said half the things to me that the voice in my head says, I’d certainly find another friend.
How many times do I look in the mirror or at a picture of myself and hear the voice in my head say negative things? How many times have I made a mistake and berated myself?
Unfortunately, negative self-talk is common, and the problem with it is that in many cases, the voice in your head doesn’t even reflect the truth. Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I can’t do anything right” have no basis in reality.
When we are critical of ourselves, when we allow the voice in our head to belittle us, when we continue negative self-talk, we reinforce a narrative that etches into our brain like the grooves on a record. It becomes ingrained and can lead to perpetuating a narrative that isn’t even true.
“Self-compassion is kindness turned inward. Being self-compassionate is not selfish. Being kind to oneself is not self-indulgent. ”
When we show self-compassion, it is good for our health and well-being - and it keeps us young.
The author of an article in betterup.com explains that practicing self-compassion not only activates the care system to give us a sense of safety and security, it appears to be related to better immune function and physiological health.
Contrast that with a report in Shape.com stating that “negative self-talk prolongs our stress response, and when stress is chronically elevated over time, it can affect our DNA. Emerging evidence suggests that it plays a role in turning on genes that are involved in inflammation and turning off genes that fight viruses. Not only that, but chronic stress can also affect how fast our telomeres, the protective caps at the end of our chromosomes, start to shorten, which is associated with cellular aging."
That’s frightening. If we are to believe the information in that article, chronic stress changes our DNA, increases inflammation, eliminates our ability to fight viruses, and ages us on a cellular level.
If changing the way I talk to myself is a start toward reducing chronic stress creating all of that damage, I have to try.
Recognizing how harmful it is to listen to the negative voice in our head is one thing. Fixing it is another, especially if the voice has been allowed to speak freely - and often - for years. Like a small child that’s been spoiled, it takes a lot of practice and patience to change that voice to one with better manners.
Becoming Aware
The first step toward making a change is to recognize when the voice in your head is being negative. To be aware of our thoughts takes effort since that voice is part of our subconscious and has been allowed to become habit.
When I say to myself things like “I am so dumb” or “I can’t do anything right,” it’s important to take a moment to examine if the voice is speaking the truth. Imagining a big stop sign and even saying the word, STOP, out loud is a good tactic.
Finding the Truth
Questioning the validity of that voice is the next step.
Imagine that the voice is a friend who states, “I can’t do anything right.” My response to a friend who said that would be to show compassion and kindness. I would ask questions to challenge the statement. Let’s think about that for a minute. You aren’t dumb. Remember last week when you accomplished that really difficult task? You certainly were not dumb then.
Changing the Narrative
Those negative thoughts need to be replaced with more positive ones by reminding myself of the things I’ve done that have turned out well. I can say in response, “I do the best I can, and get many things right. This task didn’t turn out as expected, but I can learn new ways to complete the work more effectively.”
Practicing a New Normal
Practicing self-compassion with positive affirmations takes time, but a continual stream of positive thoughts will eventually erode the grooves of negativity previously etched in the brain.
Dr. Peter Attia in a podcast interview with Steven Bartlett (The Diary of a CEO) explains how he changed the narrative of his inner critic in a very practical way. He said that his hobby is archery, and due to his perfectionism and workaholic traits, he expects much from himself. When he is shooting his bow and arrow and isn’t doing well, he’ll berate himself. Rather than succumb to the negative inner critic, he will talk into his phone the words he would say to his friend in the same circumstance. He replaces the inner voice with a more kind one as if speaking to a friend. With practice over a period of four months, he was able to silence that critical inner voice.
Dr. Peter Attia on the Podcast, Diary of a CEO, with Steven Bartlett explains how he silenced the inner critic.
Like the directive on the airplane to put your mask on first, I understand more now how prioritizing myself makes sense. Showing kindness and compassion to myself by silencing the inner critic is healthy. It reduces chronic stress, and it allows me to, in turn, be truly compassionate and understanding with everyone else.
Kindness starts with me.