Learning of someone’s passing is difficult.

Recently a good friend of the family passed away. She was in her early nineties, an age where most people remark, “Well, she had a good long life.” Hmm. Perhaps. Perhaps, she did have a long life, but that doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye.

Toni was fun. She enjoyed life to the fullest. 

She faced challenges and deep sadness in her life, as most people do. Yet, she found a way to look at life with a glass half full. An avid bridge player for most of her life, she met with valued friends a few times a week to play cards – and she was good at it, especially bidding. 

Even in her early nineties, she was independent, living and managing a household on her own, driving, running errands and walking every day. She continued to go to dinner parties and church each week. And she found great joy in baking, reading cookbooks like they were novels. We looked forward to her lace cookies every Christmas. She had the best jokes and one liners and laughed often. Toni didn’t forget people. We could always count on getting a card from her for birthdays and every holiday. Her circle of friends was wide, as evidenced by a packed church at her funeral. 

Grief is a funny thing. It’s a universal experience that touches everyone at some point; yet, it manifests in a unique way for everyone. Some people express their feelings openly, seeking comfort through sharing stories, tears, and conversation. Others may become introspective, withdrawing into themselves to process the depth of their emotions privately. Some people grieve immediately and intensely, while others may feel numb or even detached from their emotions for a period of time, experiencing delayed grief.

It’s easy to judge others by the way they grieve or by their reaction upon hearing the news. But it is important to consider that the way you grieve is not the way another may. Navigating grief is a deeply personal process, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it.

Stages of Grief

While everyone’s experience of grief is unique, there is a common rollercoaster of emotions that most people go through. First introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and author David Kessler in their book On Death and Dying, they outline five common stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most people are familiar with the stages, so I’ll not delve deeply into them here. I would imagine that how one experiences grief is also dependent on the relationship - whether it is the loss of a spouse, sibling, parent, child, or friend. Certainly, our reactions could be influenced by the circumstances of the death manifesting with some stages of the grieving process being more intense than others.

Helping Others Through Grief

When someone we care about experiences loss, it’s natural to want to help them through it. For me, it’s so difficult to know how to respond or offer support. What is the right thing to say? The wrong thing to say? What can I do to ease their pain but not overstep?

Since grief is a deeply personal experience and no two people process it the same way, how will I know if what I say or do is off-putting or not? I think that is what makes responding to someone about a loss so uncomfortable. It was these questions that came to mind after learning about Toni. I wanted to be a support to her family.

My husband is especially good at knowing how to respond and what to say. He is so warm and sympathetic, always sharing a wonderful memory and a specific characteristic of the person that he cherished.

A wise and wonderful friend once gave good counsel. If you want to support someone who is grieving, remember that your presence is often the most meaningful gift you can offer. 

In my quest to be supportive, I did some research and learned that it’s important to:

• Be present. Simply show up. Whether sitting with them in silence or offering a hug, being physically present may help remind them that they are not alone.

• Listen. Give the person space to express their feelings without interruption and resist the urge to give advice or try to fix the emotion.

• Offer practical support. Provide a meal. Run errands. Pick up groceries. Do without asking because the grieving person has no idea what they need and will always just answer “thanks” when asked, “Let me know if you need anything.”

• Respect their process. Remind them you’re there when they’re ready to talk and don’t expect them to “move on” or grieve in a particular way. 

• Check in over time. Immediately after the loss, there is a flurry of activity. Weeks or months later is a good time to send a message, call or visit. Reminding the person that they are still in your thoughts is comforting, especially as the initial shock of loss has faded.

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

Does anyone ever “get over” a loss? I really don’t think so, having lost many loved ones over the years. The pain may not be as raw, but certainly the sharp edges have dulled over time. The person remains part of our life, and it is the memories of the person that become part of our story and our life moving forward.

Healing takes time, as most of those who are reading this and have lost loved ones can attest. The stages of grief ebb and flow, moving from one stage to another and back again. It can be a long and winding road, and having compassionate people alongside the journey, whether initially after the loss or many years later, makes all the difference.